Dear Dr. Lori,
My 14 year old daughter has been sexually harassed and bullied at school. Even though charges were pressed, other kids still make fun of her and call her names. Last week she told me she wanted to kill herself. She is seeing a psychiatrist who now says we should place her in a facility for suicidal watch. This doctor has been working with her for 6 months. My daughter is now angry at me for having her temporarily committed and says she will never trust me again. Of course I know this will pass, but I am so worried about my daughter. I have suggested she changes schools but she says it doesn’t matter where she goes, she will always be known as the girl who was bullied and harassed. Unless I can find a job in another state and move I don’t know what else to do to help her. She use to dance and was quite good at it now she will not go out of the house except to go to school and some days not even that. Please offer me some new solutions- I am beginning to feel hopeless myself.
Desperate Mother in Mississippi
Dear desperate Mother in Mississippi,
Moving is an extreme answer. My experience dealing with teenagers who are bullied, even when parents move their kids to another school or relocate for a fresh start, the teenager typically does not seem to get that fresh start. Part of the reason is they still have the emotional scars and the mentality that they have been traumatized. In the education system right now they are trying their best to resolve this problem. In my opinion we as a society are partly to blame. We have our kids growing up playing games where you hurt and kill people and these hurt or dead people come back to life. Now our children know this isn’t true, but there is a certain amount of desensitization that occurs. This in turn makes bullying someone so much easier, as these bullies are often desensitized to what they are doing. This is either because of the games and the way their mind perceives the information or just as likely they have been bullied by someone else. In either case your daughter from the sound of it is getting her fair share of harassment at school.
Without more details of what is actually going on at the school it is hard to tell you what to do next. I think it might be wise to look at a fresh start for her and the end of the semester, as long as your daughter can see this as a positive move. This alone will not do it. I do not know what her doctor is doing with her therapeutically to assist her in getting over this trauma. You might want to ask him some questions. I realize there is client confidentiality involved, but you can ask him what his long term goals are with your daughter, ask specific questions such as how is he planning on getting her out of the victim mentality? What happened to your daughter was serious; getting her over this trauma will take time. Just make sure she is seeing the right doctor. Try asking her how she feels about the therapy. Ask her is it is helping? I just completed an adolescent girls group where we met on the internet, I had girls from different part of United States and Canada connect one a week for 2 months. They had either been bullied or sexually harassed they felt it was so beneficial to have support from each other to know they were not the only ones. You might want to explore group therapy for your daughter.
Lastly, your daughter need to see you as strong, so be strong for her and let her know you are there for her and no matter what she tells you, you will, listen and not judge her for it. As parents one often assumes their children know how much they are loved and available for the, In times of crisis verbalizing it can help your daughter to open up to you so that you can support her thought this terrible time.
Please let me know how she is doing,
Dr. Lori
