Dear Lori,

I am thinking about retiring. I am 60 years old and my wife keeps asking me what I am going to do when I retire. I don’t know what to say. I am tired, and I want to stop working but I am concerned that after two weeks I will not know what to do with myself. My wife stayed home and raised our children, she has her own routine and I know she is concerned that my retirement will change things for her, I think she is scared too. Any suggestions on what I should do?  How does someone prepare for retirement? Should I be feeling more certain before I retire?

Thanks for your help,

Potential Retiree

Dear Potential Retiree,

Retiring is a big decision, that you want to be fairly certain you want to do. At the age of 60 years, you still have many years ahead of you. If you are thinking about retirement, one thing I suggest to my clients who are contemplating retiring is to make of list of the things you want to do when you are retired. This is done to refocus your thoughts and to give you some concrete things to look forward to. If you find you are feeling excited about the potential of what you can do, then it is probably a good time to retire and enjoy the fruits of your labour. It is also a good idea to talk to your wife about your concerns and allow her time to voice her concerns. Then the two of you can discuss how to deal with everyone’s feeling. It might also be a good idea to share your list with your wife, perhaps there are things you want to do together, such as travel. Fear of the unknown is always intimidating, but if you take the time to work through it, you will feel more in control of your emotions. This in turn will allow you to be able to make a decision with more clarity and confidence about whether or not you are ready to retire.

Good Luck,

Lori

Dear Lori,

I am a housewife who has three children twins and my third child is younger. My husband is constantly telling me how I do not do anything right when it comes to raising the children and he says it in very condescending ways. The twins are now 14 years old. They want me to leave their father they say they are sick of the way he treats me. I feel stuck because I am afraid to leave and afraid if I don’t leave me boys will lose all respect for me. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

Desperate Housewife.

Dear Desperate Housewife,

It sounds like you are feeling as if you don’t have any choices and the men in your life both you husband and sons have all the power to make the decisions. It is a difficult situation you are in because of many different factors, including the feeling that you can’t make a decision that will make everyone happy. In your letter you never said what you wanted or what would make you happy. Perhaps that is something you need to think about. If you want to stay married, try some therapy. If your husband doesn’t want to participate in therapy, then go yourself. It would be a great opportunity to figure out what would be best for you and to gain some clarity around your current situation. As for your boys, they are expressing their feelings and you want to support them in doing so, but it is still your decision. Let your boys know that you are hearing their concerns and you will let them know what you decide. Perhaps you can explain to them that this is a big decision and, you as the adult need time to think about it before you decide. Let them know that you love them, even at the age of 14 they still need to know their parents love them when they have risked telling you something that may have been difficult for them to say to you. Take some time to decide what would be best for you and your family. Often talking to a friend, family member or therapist can help you gain perspective on challenging situations.

Good Luck Sorting it All Out,

Lori