Dear Dr. Lori,

I have a “colleague” who I feel is abusing me good nature. I was new to where I live and this person helped me get my business up and running. I have since done ok on my own. This person let’s call him Richard, is always asking for favours and free stuff from me. He always reminds me how he helped me get my business going and how happy he is that I am doing well. For a long time I felt indebted to this person but now Richard expects to come in my store almost weekly and take whatever he needs without paying. He always reminds me how he helped me out and says times are tough for him right now and leaves without ever paying! Yesterday he came in and took over $200 worth of merchandise and did not pay a cent. When is enough, enough? He is a powerful man is the town I am in and I don’t want to alienate him, I would just like him to pay for the things he wants to buy. Any ideas on how I can deal with this?
Sincerely,
Desperate in a small town

Dear Desperate,
You are in a bit of a bind. Not because of what he is doing, but because of how you perceive the situation. You still at some level must feel that you “owe him” for helping you get your business going. In a small town it is often a question of acceptance. Are there other people in the town that you know who are paying customers who will stand by you? I think you need to thank him for his help and then tell him you feel you have been generous in payment with merchandise but you have to make a living too. The key is to realize that you are not indebted to him anymore. One solution is; try to think of as many things as you can that he has taken from your store without paying you. Total them up and have a bill ready for when you talk to him. Some people need to see things in black and white to be aware of the situation. Then tell him you feel you have repaid him. If he argues, ask him what a fair price would be in order to repay him for his kindness. See what number he comes up with if any. My guess is he will not want to put a number on it because you and your store are free to him right now why would he ruin that? So push him a bit and try to settle on a price. Then every time he comes in add it to the tally until you are finished paying. If this approach doesn’t work for you, try talking to him and see if you can come to an understanding where Richard realizes the gravy train is over. I suggest you start with working on getting rid of any feeling you have that you still owe him something. Then talk to him!

I wish you well,
Dr. Lori

Dear Lori,

I am frustrated by my social life or lack of one. I try very hard to meet new people, perhaps even find a partner, but I must be doing something wrong because, I end up alone every week-end. Sitting in my apartment wondering what’s wrong with me. It wasn’t always like this. I use to have a life and a partner. When we broke up, most of the people I hung out with were my partner’s friends and I backed off from them it felt weird and uncomfortable. Since then I find I am alone. Do you think there is something wrong with me? Is there a pill or a course I can take to fix this?

Sincerely,

Lonely

Dear Lonely,

I can’t tell you if anything is wrong with you from this brief letter. I can tell you that I think you probably lack some self confidence. Try to figure out when you last felt confident about yourself? Did this break-up somehow diminish your confidence? If so, you need to focus on rebuilding it. Start by making a list of all the things you do well and keep the list going for a month, then post it in your room so you can see all the good things you are capable of doing. Next, you need to focus on your social skills. When you meet new people ask yourself if you are too shy perhaps. Or possibly you come on too strong which can make people move away from you. Try watching other people that seem to have a lot of friends and then compare how they act versus how you act. A great way to meet new people is to develop a hobby and join a group, team or a club. If no hobbies interests you, you might think about taking a course that appeals to you. All of these places are opportunities for you to get out of your apartment and maybe meet some new friends!

Good Luck and Stay Positive,

Lori