Dear Lori,

I am in love with the greatest guy in the world. He is kind, and funny, and he is always thoughtful. There is one problem, he will not commit to a serious relationship with me. We speak several times a day; we spend 3 to 4 nights together. I suggested after 2 years of this it’s time to have a commitment. He says he isn’t interested in a commitment. He’s expression is why fix it if it ain’t broken. It is tearing me a part. I finally met Mr. Wonderful and he won’t make a commitment. I don’t know how much more I can take, I think about it all the time, trying to figure out why he won’t commit. I think about it when I am falling asleep, at work, when I go out with him, I feel like I am letting this take over my life. What advise can you give me to get him to commit.
Thanks,
Desperate to Commit.

Dear Desperate,
I am wondering how you got to this issues taking over your thoughts. Is this your typical pattern when you can’t resolve a problem? If it is then you may want to explore getting rid of this as a way to cope and come up with some healthier coping strategies.

How to get him to commit there is not straight forward answer, because I do not have enough details. I don’t think you can force or get someone to commit when they do not want to. Do you know why he won’t commit? If it’s a question of him not being able to make the commitment, your Mr. Wonderful has some growing –up to do. Or perhaps he had a committed relationship that didn’t work out and he just doesn’t want to go down that road again, which is a completely different set of issues. In my opinion, his not wanting to commit is not the issue. Your allowing it to take over your thoughts is a much more important point. You have to make a choice: you can accept this is all he has to give and decide whether you can HAPPILY live with it, or terminate this relationship before you find yourself in a position where you resent him. A final word of advice many of my clients over the years have played the waiting game. They assume if they give it enough time the person will make a commitment. Doing this is setting yourself up to be greatly disappointed in the end. The majority of times the commitment doesn’t happen. If you and Mr. Wonderful are meant to be together, even if you walk away, your roads may intertwine in the future. You need to decide what you are prepared to live with. If this isn’t going to work for you, who it sounds like it isn’t love yourself enough to walk away, knowing that you deserve to be with someone who wants the same things as you, such as a commitment.
Good Luck,
Lori

Dear Lori,

I am the financial provider for my family; my wife stays home with our youngest child. My wife has recently decided after reading a bunch of self-help books that I need therapy, because I don’t communicate effectively. I have asked many of my friends and they say I communicate just fine. My wife has put me in “the dog house” until I go for help. I feel like an idiot going for help and telling a shrink I am here because my wife says I have a problem. I am actually getting a bit peeved at her but I don’t know how to get out of this mess. Any ideas?
Thanks,
Stuck

Dear Stuck,
Have you considered going for couple counseling as a compromise? It sounds as though your wife may be frustrated and perhaps going together you could figure out with a therapist what’s really going on. There are many indicators that there is more to this than merely communication. Most people are not that pushy in sending their spouse for help unless they feel the issue is important to the relationship. I feel if you want to get to the core of the matter both of you should go for at least a few sessions to see if it helps the situation.
Good Luck,
Lori