Dear Lori,
I am a widow with no siblings and I don’t know what to do. My 14 year old daughter is the problem, or perhaps I’m the problem. I have tried my best to raise her right. Now at the age of 14 she swears at me, won’t do her homework and won’t go to bed when I tell her to. When I was growing up I would have NEVER dreamed of talking to my mother this way or disobeying her. The thought of not doing homework when I was young just wasn’t a thought. I have read many books they all say talk to your child and find out what is going on. Explain why you want them to do things like homework. When I try to talk to her she either rolls her eyes or swears at me and walks away. I told her if it didn’t change I would have no choice but to send her to boarding school. She called my bluff, and knows I would never send her away. Now she brings it up every time we argue. Have I missed something in raising her? What can I do to make this situation better or is it too late? I really hope you can help, even if it means you have to tell me I am not a good mother, as long as I can get my daughter back on track.
Thanks,
A very Tired Mom

Dear Tired Mom,
First of all you aren’t alone. Many clients I have are dealing with similar issues. I think there are a few things I can suggest. First of all not all child rearing methods work on all children. For some children talking things through is the best way to raise them. They respond well to understanding why certain things in life need to be done. For other children this simply doesn’t work, it can even make things worse. If they have figured out how to manipulate your words and frustrate you when you try to discuss things with them, they have won and get to do whatever they want. My advise is first and foremost stop trying to explain and discuss certain things such as swearing and homework with your daughter. It will not be easy, but if you stick to it you will turn her behaviour around. Tell your daughter from now on there are some rules and these will be enforced with consequences and privileges. For example your daughter doesn’t want to do her homework but wants to go to the mall on the week-end. Tell her she can go to the mall only if her homework is done. Now if she hasn’t been doing homework she will not be able to get it all done in a week. Be realistic say perhaps if a third of what has to be done is completed she can go to the mall. Now here’s the tough part, if she doesn’t do it you can’t under any circumstances let her go to the mall. You can suggest she tries again next week. She will most probably be very rude to you. Decide before hand if you can let this go for now. I always suggest you start slow and build. So if there are 3 issues pick one to start with and pick consequences that make sense and you can stick to. Teenagers are great at storming around when they don’t get their way. If you let the storms go on and you don’t get involved in the verbal battle the storms do blow over.

To recap, stop discussing everything. Decide what issues you need to work on in terms of your daughter’s behaviour and prioritize them. Then decide on a few realistic consequences and rewards that you feel you can stick to. Expect some upheaval because you are changing the rules. Stick to your decisions and eventually your daughter will get the message that she has to listen to your rules.

Good Luck,
Lori

Dear Lori,

I really need your advice. My daughter I think has a problem with drugs. She is 17 years old and does or takes cocaine everyday from what I can see. She lives at home with me. When I confronted her about the drugs she told me to back off or she would move out and I would never see her again. The other day her nose wouldn’t stop bleeding I wanted to take her to a Doctor or the hospital and she wouldn’t let me. I was so scared I ordered her to get in the car so I could seek help for her. She got up told me she was going to the bathroom. In fact she stole money from my purse and left the house. She often steals money and then says she didn’t take it. I didn’t see her for 2 days. I kept praying she wasn’t dead. I have spoken to the Doctor who said she needs to go into a rehabilitation centre. She told me she won’t go. I feel like I am living a mother’s worst nightmare. I pray all the time that she comes home safe but I am so afraid she will end up dead. What can I do?

Scared Out Of My Mind

Dear Scared,

I think the first thing you need to do is admit your daughter is a drug addict, or at least that is how you are describing her and her behaviour. When you are dealing with an addict you must realize that the drugs they are using are their best friends and only friends. That is why addicts say and do whatever it takes to keep using their drugs. Your daughter has figured out how to keep you in check by suggesting she will leave the home if you push her. She obviously knows this is one of your greatest fears and is using this to manipulate the situation.

Drug addicts need to want to change. There typically has to be an incident or event that occurs which will make them either see the damage they are doing or scare them enough that they are motivated to change. Right now she has a place to sleep, does her drugs whenever she wants and uses your money without permission or consequences for doing so.

Where is her motivation to change?

I believe the kindest thing you can do is to let her know she either goes for help or leaves your house. I realize that you want her safe at home, but it may be the only way to save her. Cocaine eventually when used long term has effects such as making the person paranoid and then it may be pretty impossible to reach her at all.

I suggest you go for some help for yourself  first. Wait until you feel strong enough to truthfully look her in the eye and give her the choice between getting help and leaving the home. I do not suggest you give her this choice until you are ready to follow through on it.

Good Luck,

Lori