Dear Dr. Lori,

I have tried for so long to get my marriage back on track. I love my husband, and I think he loves me, but we are like roommates not husband and wife. I am sad and unhappy and it seems the harder I try to hold on to this marriage the further from it my husband seems to move. I have tried, dressing nicely to get his attention, but when he doesn’t notice I feel defeated. I have tried cooking his favorite meal; he says thanks and then reads while we eat, even when I ask him not to. I feel invisible in the marriage. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Lost

Dear Lost,
My first question to you is have you tried marriage counseling. Even if your husband isn’t a fan, perhaps he would go if you told him how terrible you feel. If not perhaps go and get some support for yourself. In the meantime I can suggest you talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Perhaps do it in a restaurant where he isn’t as likely to be reading. Another thing I would like to suggest is that you take a break from trying to get his attention. Sometimes you need to let go a bit before someone picks-up on the fact that you are unhappy in the relationship. I am not suggesting you leave, I am suggesting you start to do SOME things that make you feel happy ad stop trying to fix this situation. Time has a way of bringing things to the surface or making them better. When you try to push a situation, it can backfire and end up creating the exact opposite of what you wanted. So take a break and find thing that fulfill you. See where that takes things in the marriage. I do strongly suggest that you do consider getting some help from your pastor or a therapist for you and your husband or at least for yourself.

I wish you well,
Dr. Lori

Dear Lori,

I have a 10 year old son, who can be a really great child. Then there are the other moments, when he is extremely disrespectful, has no boundaries and will not listen to anything I ask him to do. I believe that he should have consequences for this type of behaviour, my husband feels differently. He says it is just hormones and we need to let it go not make such a big deal about it. My husband then argues with me about the consequences I have given our son and my son then tells me he will not listen to the consequences, because his dad doesn’t think he needs any. I am so exhausted and frustrated by this situation. I want to know if you can help me figure a way to deal with my son and get my husband’s support.

Thank-you,

Exhausted Mom

Dear Exhausted Mom,

Your situation does sound exhausting and frustrating. I agree if you break the house rules there needs to be limits set. There a few things that I would like to suggest. The first and probably the most important is you and your husband need to agree on how to parent your son. Having different opinions is fine, but your must come to some agreement and stand united on your parenting. Right now your husband is undermining your parenting authority with your son, which is unhealthy for all of you. Perhaps a good place to begin is to have a conversation with your husband and see if you can find a common thread on parenting that you can build on. It it well proven, and you could look up articles on the subject, that a child need limits, in order to learn morality, right from wrong, and it also makes them feel loved and safe. Perhaps you can speak to your husband about this and then begin to negotiate some consequences. Your husband is also right that part of this is probably hormonal, so there are bound to be mood swings, and there are moments when you do need to let it go or ignore it. Pick your battles with your son. You do not want to become overbearing and constantly consequences him. Try working with your husband and then sit your son down and tell him about the “new” house rules and the consequences.

Good Luck,

Lori

Dear Lori,

I have been married for three years and my husband no longer seems interested in me in “the bedroom”. I am completely devastated by this. I am afraid to approach him anymore, because I can’t take the rejection. I have tried talking to him, he says nothing is wrong. I don’t know what to do. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking my marriage is over, he doesn’t want to touch me. I am at my wits end. Can you offer any insight into why this is happening or what I can do?

Thanks,
So Sad

Dear So Sad,

It sounds like this situation is very overwhelming primarily because you don’t know why this is happening. You said you tried asking him what’s wrong; perhaps it is difficult for him to discuss. Is he the type of person who usually opens up? If not this delicate topic may be even more difficult to open up about. Here are a few suggestions: First try telling him how this is making you feel. Perhaps if he understood how you felt it would make it easier for him to open up. If this doesn’t work, you might want to see a marriage counselor if it doesn’t clear up in the next little while.

My second suggestion although I know you said you did not want to initiate anything anymore, what about trying to get the excitement back? Perhaps he needs to be “stimulated” Consider wearing something that makes you feel desirable. That way not only will you look great but you will feel great and your husband will pick-up on how you feel, which can for some men be stimulating as well. I hope this will help you feel a bit less devastated about your current situation.

Good Luck,
Lori

Dear Lori,
I have been married for 17 years to a great man. We have 1 child and she is leaving for university in the fall. My problem is my mother –in-law. We have never gotten along. She did not want us to get married and has never treated me kindly over the years. I have put up with her rude comments and didn’t respond, because I love my husband and wanted to keep the peace in the family. It was never important to me to answer her back. I always said to myself just let her comments go. About a year ago my father-in-law died. With my daughter going away to university, my husband wants his mother to move in. For the first time I exploded and told him no way after the way she has treated me all these years. He said I’m crazy his mother may have not been thrilled at the beginning but has grown to love me. This is not true. We had her over the other night for supper and she complained about my cooking, commented on the house being dusty, and said it wasn’t my fault if I couldn’t after all these years keep a proper home. My husband who has never insisted on anything is insisting she move in and I can’t imagine in. Can you give me some advice on how to deal with this?

Thank-you,
Dedicated Wife

Dear Dedicated Wife,
This is a big dilemma. The fact that your husband does not see how his mother treats you is one of the main contributors to the problem. Perhaps if you had pointed it out over the years he would have seen it over time. Most people want to think of their parents as good people. There are a few suggestions I can offer. The first one is has anyone asked your mother-in-law if she would want to move in? You may be concerned for no reason. If she dislikes you so much there s a good chance she will not want to live with you and that could be the end of the problem. Another option would be to sit down CALMY with your husband and explain to him what has been going on all these years and why you never said anything. Use concrete examples to male your point. Let him know what a hardship this would be for you to have her in your home. The last option is to have all three of you sit down (your husband, mother-in-law and you) and find a way to work this out, including some rules that would apply id she moved in. Again use concrete examples of things she has said to you in the last few years and make one of the rules that no one can make comments like that in the home.

I hope one of these suggestions will work for you.
Good Luck,
Lori