Dear Dr. Lori,

I have a “colleague” who I feel is abusing me good nature. I was new to where I live and this person helped me get my business up and running. I have since done ok on my own. This person let’s call him Richard, is always asking for favours and free stuff from me. He always reminds me how he helped me get my business going and how happy he is that I am doing well. For a long time I felt indebted to this person but now Richard expects to come in my store almost weekly and take whatever he needs without paying. He always reminds me how he helped me out and says times are tough for him right now and leaves without ever paying! Yesterday he came in and took over $200 worth of merchandise and did not pay a cent. When is enough, enough? He is a powerful man is the town I am in and I don’t want to alienate him, I would just like him to pay for the things he wants to buy. Any ideas on how I can deal with this?
Sincerely,
Desperate in a small town

Dear Desperate,
You are in a bit of a bind. Not because of what he is doing, but because of how you perceive the situation. You still at some level must feel that you “owe him” for helping you get your business going. In a small town it is often a question of acceptance. Are there other people in the town that you know who are paying customers who will stand by you? I think you need to thank him for his help and then tell him you feel you have been generous in payment with merchandise but you have to make a living too. The key is to realize that you are not indebted to him anymore. One solution is; try to think of as many things as you can that he has taken from your store without paying you. Total them up and have a bill ready for when you talk to him. Some people need to see things in black and white to be aware of the situation. Then tell him you feel you have repaid him. If he argues, ask him what a fair price would be in order to repay him for his kindness. See what number he comes up with if any. My guess is he will not want to put a number on it because you and your store are free to him right now why would he ruin that? So push him a bit and try to settle on a price. Then every time he comes in add it to the tally until you are finished paying. If this approach doesn’t work for you, try talking to him and see if you can come to an understanding where Richard realizes the gravy train is over. I suggest you start with working on getting rid of any feeling you have that you still owe him something. Then talk to him!

I wish you well,
Dr. Lori

Dear Lori,

My sister and I are identical twins, yet we are completely different and have chosen different lifestyles. What we do have that you I am sure know about is I do feel when something is when. Last year my sister almost overdosed. I knew it was her but thought I would have a heart attack the pain was so bad. I have tried to talk to her to get her life together. She always shows up on my doorstep when she’s a mess. I would never turn her away and that isn’t why I am writing to you. I want to know if you think taking her away somewhere like a resort/spa, where there are no parties, liquor, drugs for 2 or 3 weeks would help. She holds a job down and expect for the people she parties with no one would ever know. I am just scared that next time she takes too much might be her last time. I can’t imagine life without her. Do you think a spa would help?

Sad Twin

Dear Sad Twin,

First let me acknowledge what a loving sister you are to be so concerned about your sister. Have you spoken to your sister about a spa/resort? It may not even be an option if she is not interested. If she is interested then it will not solve her party habits, but it may give you a chance to reconnect with her without outside influences, and then I strongly suggest you talk to her about how you are feeling and how scared you are. Try to stay away from looking and blaming her for her habits. Instead own you own feelings. ”I” statements are a great way to keep your conversation focused.

If she is not interested then there is no point in pursuing the spa idea. I suggest you still try to talk to her, but find the right moment when you feel connected to her and calm enough to tell her about your feelings as opposed to blaming her. As her twin you have a unique opportunity to connect with her the way most sisters can’t. I hope it will be enough for you to reach your sister.

Good Luck,

Lori