Dear Dr. Lori,

I have tried for so long to get my marriage back on track. I love my husband, and I think he loves me, but we are like roommates not husband and wife. I am sad and unhappy and it seems the harder I try to hold on to this marriage the further from it my husband seems to move. I have tried, dressing nicely to get his attention, but when he doesn’t notice I feel defeated. I have tried cooking his favorite meal; he says thanks and then reads while we eat, even when I ask him not to. I feel invisible in the marriage. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Lost

Dear Lost,
My first question to you is have you tried marriage counseling. Even if your husband isn’t a fan, perhaps he would go if you told him how terrible you feel. If not perhaps go and get some support for yourself. In the meantime I can suggest you talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Perhaps do it in a restaurant where he isn’t as likely to be reading. Another thing I would like to suggest is that you take a break from trying to get his attention. Sometimes you need to let go a bit before someone picks-up on the fact that you are unhappy in the relationship. I am not suggesting you leave, I am suggesting you start to do SOME things that make you feel happy ad stop trying to fix this situation. Time has a way of bringing things to the surface or making them better. When you try to push a situation, it can backfire and end up creating the exact opposite of what you wanted. So take a break and find thing that fulfill you. See where that takes things in the marriage. I do strongly suggest that you do consider getting some help from your pastor or a therapist for you and your husband or at least for yourself.

I wish you well,
Dr. Lori

Dear Lori,

I am a mother of three children, who are slobs. I have tried talking to my children, consequences, even screaming at them. NOTHING WORKS! My children just leave everything wherever they want, and I can’t stand the mess so I end up cleaning it up everyday. I feel like a maid in my own home. It makes me angry and I don’t like the way I feel or act because of this. I left their toys and clothes for 1 week and not one of them made any attempt to clean-up. It took me forever to get the mess cleaned up. Please give me some new suggestions, hopefully one will work!

Mom the Maid

Dear Mom the Maid,

I can see how frustrated you are. It sounds as if your children have you over a barrel. You need to take the control back of the situation, for both you and your children. If you don’t, then you will become more and more resentful of this situation. As well, how will you teach your children to take care of them selves, which does include being somewhat neat and cleaning-up.

I suggest the following: Instead of consequences, try a different approach. Tell your children; from now on they have a job. Their job is to keep their items toys clothes etc tidy, make it age appropriate so if your children are under the age of ten they can’t do as good a job as a 17 year old. Let them know they will be paid with earning their privileges, such as TV, computer, video games, get together with friends, driving car (if they are old enough) and whatever else you know your children enjoy. Set up a chart so they can see what they can earn by doing their job. I have used this strategy with many families and it has worked out very well. The key is to sick to it. You can’t give in and give them their privileges if they do not do their work.

I hope this suggestion will work for you.

Good Luck,

Lori