Dear Lori,

My daughter has said that she doesn’t see the point in life; she is 15 years old and went from being a fairly happy child to what I think is a very depressed teenager. She will not talk to me and share what is wrong. I thought about counseling and she has said no. I am truly concerned about her and don’t know what to do. I would appreciate any suggestions.

Worried MOM

Dear Worried MOM,

It certainly sounds like your daughter has had a significant change in her behaviour and I understand how this can be worrisome. There are so many variables that could be the reason for this change, including peers disapproval, struggling in school, drugs or hormones, just to name a few! I suggest you begin with a visit to your Doctor, let the Doctor know your concerns. Ask your Doctor if they will do a full blood work up on your daughter including hormone levels and a urine test for drugs. I believe it is easier to eliminate those issues where there is concrete proof. If one of them is they culprit you will know what the issue is and be able to begin to help your daughter. The other reason to take her to the doctor is she MIGHT open up to the doctor and tell him/she what the issue is. Is the doctor’s visit doesn’t provide answers, perhaps a call to school to see if a counselor at school can talk to her and see what the issue is. I do feel starting at the Doctor’s is the best place to begin, this may just be a physical issue that your daughter has no control over, eliminate the possibility of it being those issues before anything else.

Good Luck,

Lori

Dear Lori,

My sister and I are identical twins, yet we are completely different and have chosen different lifestyles. What we do have that you I am sure know about is I do feel when something is when. Last year my sister almost overdosed. I knew it was her but thought I would have a heart attack the pain was so bad. I have tried to talk to her to get her life together. She always shows up on my doorstep when she’s a mess. I would never turn her away and that isn’t why I am writing to you. I want to know if you think taking her away somewhere like a resort/spa, where there are no parties, liquor, drugs for 2 or 3 weeks would help. She holds a job down and expect for the people she parties with no one would ever know. I am just scared that next time she takes too much might be her last time. I can’t imagine life without her. Do you think a spa would help?

Sad Twin

Dear Sad Twin,

First let me acknowledge what a loving sister you are to be so concerned about your sister. Have you spoken to your sister about a spa/resort? It may not even be an option if she is not interested. If she is interested then it will not solve her party habits, but it may give you a chance to reconnect with her without outside influences, and then I strongly suggest you talk to her about how you are feeling and how scared you are. Try to stay away from looking and blaming her for her habits. Instead own you own feelings. ”I” statements are a great way to keep your conversation focused.

If she is not interested then there is no point in pursuing the spa idea. I suggest you still try to talk to her, but find the right moment when you feel connected to her and calm enough to tell her about your feelings as opposed to blaming her. As her twin you have a unique opportunity to connect with her the way most sisters can’t. I hope it will be enough for you to reach your sister.

Good Luck,

Lori

Dear Lori,

I really need your advice. My daughter I think has a problem with drugs. She is 17 years old and does or takes cocaine everyday from what I can see. She lives at home with me. When I confronted her about the drugs she told me to back off or she would move out and I would never see her again. The other day her nose wouldn’t stop bleeding I wanted to take her to a Doctor or the hospital and she wouldn’t let me. I was so scared I ordered her to get in the car so I could seek help for her. She got up told me she was going to the bathroom. In fact she stole money from my purse and left the house. She often steals money and then says she didn’t take it. I didn’t see her for 2 days. I kept praying she wasn’t dead. I have spoken to the Doctor who said she needs to go into a rehabilitation centre. She told me she won’t go. I feel like I am living a mother’s worst nightmare. I pray all the time that she comes home safe but I am so afraid she will end up dead. What can I do?

Scared Out Of My Mind

Dear Scared,

I think the first thing you need to do is admit your daughter is a drug addict, or at least that is how you are describing her and her behaviour. When you are dealing with an addict you must realize that the drugs they are using are their best friends and only friends. That is why addicts say and do whatever it takes to keep using their drugs. Your daughter has figured out how to keep you in check by suggesting she will leave the home if you push her. She obviously knows this is one of your greatest fears and is using this to manipulate the situation.

Drug addicts need to want to change. There typically has to be an incident or event that occurs which will make them either see the damage they are doing or scare them enough that they are motivated to change. Right now she has a place to sleep, does her drugs whenever she wants and uses your money without permission or consequences for doing so.

Where is her motivation to change?

I believe the kindest thing you can do is to let her know she either goes for help or leaves your house. I realize that you want her safe at home, but it may be the only way to save her. Cocaine eventually when used long term has effects such as making the person paranoid and then it may be pretty impossible to reach her at all.

I suggest you go for some help for yourself  first. Wait until you feel strong enough to truthfully look her in the eye and give her the choice between getting help and leaving the home. I do not suggest you give her this choice until you are ready to follow through on it.

Good Luck,

Lori