Dear Dr. Lori,

My daughter is in grade 7 and she wants to wear make-up to school. I don’t approve of this; I think she is too young. The other day her drink leaked in her backpack so she emptied the contents onto the table and out came a bunch of make-up. I was shocked. My daughter has never lied to me or disobeyed me before. I spoke to my friend, who said just let her wear the make-up it’s not that big of a deal. I feel differently. I am more concerned about her disobeying me. I think there needs to be consequences, but I am not sure if this is overboard: I want her to stay in for the next 3 week-ends. I think that might teach her not to disobey me again. What is your opinion?

Shocked Mom

Dear Shocked Mom,

It is very difficult for me to give you’re my opinion since I have not met your daughter. I do believe your daughter is getting to the age where she will not always listen to everything you said. For some children, a strict consequence as you are suggesting does definitely make them think twice before they do anything like that again. Other children respond much better if you talk to them and leave the lines of communication open; with the understanding there are consequences if this happens again. In either case, I think you need to set-up some house rules. Once she is aware of the consequences, your daughter will know ahead of time what to expect if she chooses to disobey you again. I do believe you know if your daughter and know if she is a child who will open up and talk and tell you why she wore the make-up, it might for example be peer pressure and you made need to discuss peer pressure with her. On the other hand if your daughter doesn’t open-up and communicate, talking to her will end up being a lecture, in which case I would explore just giving her a consequence.I hope you can work this out now while she is still young.

Let me know what happens,

Dr. Lori

Dear Lori,

My daughter has said that she doesn’t see the point in life; she is 15 years old and went from being a fairly happy child to what I think is a very depressed teenager. She will not talk to me and share what is wrong. I thought about counseling and she has said no. I am truly concerned about her and don’t know what to do. I would appreciate any suggestions.

Worried MOM

Dear Worried MOM,

It certainly sounds like your daughter has had a significant change in her behaviour and I understand how this can be worrisome. There are so many variables that could be the reason for this change, including peers disapproval, struggling in school, drugs or hormones, just to name a few! I suggest you begin with a visit to your Doctor, let the Doctor know your concerns. Ask your Doctor if they will do a full blood work up on your daughter including hormone levels and a urine test for drugs. I believe it is easier to eliminate those issues where there is concrete proof. If one of them is they culprit you will know what the issue is and be able to begin to help your daughter. The other reason to take her to the doctor is she MIGHT open up to the doctor and tell him/she what the issue is. Is the doctor’s visit doesn’t provide answers, perhaps a call to school to see if a counselor at school can talk to her and see what the issue is. I do feel starting at the Doctor’s is the best place to begin, this may just be a physical issue that your daughter has no control over, eliminate the possibility of it being those issues before anything else.

Good Luck,

Lori

Dear Lori,

I really need your advice. My daughter I think has a problem with drugs. She is 17 years old and does or takes cocaine everyday from what I can see. She lives at home with me. When I confronted her about the drugs she told me to back off or she would move out and I would never see her again. The other day her nose wouldn’t stop bleeding I wanted to take her to a Doctor or the hospital and she wouldn’t let me. I was so scared I ordered her to get in the car so I could seek help for her. She got up told me she was going to the bathroom. In fact she stole money from my purse and left the house. She often steals money and then says she didn’t take it. I didn’t see her for 2 days. I kept praying she wasn’t dead. I have spoken to the Doctor who said she needs to go into a rehabilitation centre. She told me she won’t go. I feel like I am living a mother’s worst nightmare. I pray all the time that she comes home safe but I am so afraid she will end up dead. What can I do?

Scared Out Of My Mind

Dear Scared,

I think the first thing you need to do is admit your daughter is a drug addict, or at least that is how you are describing her and her behaviour. When you are dealing with an addict you must realize that the drugs they are using are their best friends and only friends. That is why addicts say and do whatever it takes to keep using their drugs. Your daughter has figured out how to keep you in check by suggesting she will leave the home if you push her. She obviously knows this is one of your greatest fears and is using this to manipulate the situation.

Drug addicts need to want to change. There typically has to be an incident or event that occurs which will make them either see the damage they are doing or scare them enough that they are motivated to change. Right now she has a place to sleep, does her drugs whenever she wants and uses your money without permission or consequences for doing so.

Where is her motivation to change?

I believe the kindest thing you can do is to let her know she either goes for help or leaves your house. I realize that you want her safe at home, but it may be the only way to save her. Cocaine eventually when used long term has effects such as making the person paranoid and then it may be pretty impossible to reach her at all.

I suggest you go for some help for yourself  first. Wait until you feel strong enough to truthfully look her in the eye and give her the choice between getting help and leaving the home. I do not suggest you give her this choice until you are ready to follow through on it.

Good Luck,

Lori