Dear Lori,

Last year my best friend went away and left his son with his older brother. The son called saying they were fighting. I talked to him and said if it didn’t get better he could stay with me, but the truth is I was hesitant to take him into my home because I thought his father would be mad that superseded his decision. I spoke to the son daily until the father, my friend returned. On my birthday the father told me how hurt he was that I had left his son there and his son no longer trusted me. I wanted to clear the air with his son but he said leave it for now. I cried on my birthday because of this, the last thing, I wanted to do was hurt my friend and his son. Since then things haven’t been the same. The phone calls are less frequent, and a few days ago, we had a business arrangement, that he suddenly shifted. He said it was to help me become more independent and to push me to create my own abundance. It felt like someone stuck a knife in my heart and the twist was telling me that it was being done because they cared about me. I feel completely betrayed. I am not a person who cries easily and I cried for hours form this conversation. I felt there was no way of having an honest conversation about this. I am unfortunately in a situation where I can’t even walk away because I do still need him for business; he is the best at what he does. As friends we have always worked things out and we have been through a lot together. This one feels like the friendship is over, I am devistated and I don’t know how to handle this. Any input or suggestions would be great.

Sincerely,

Devastated

Dear Devastated,

Wow! It sounds like there has been a lot of Drama in this relationship. As well, that you both feel betrayed. One of the issues I question is why did you let your friend walk away with the first situation with his son unresolved? Were you uncomfortable discussing/pursuing the conversation? Perhaps that is where you need to start, I would like to suggest that when you have had some time to gain perspective on the latest situation you sit down with your friend and discuss both situations. The other item in the conversation has to be your feelings that what your friend is doing “for you own good” doesn’t feel to you like it is for “your own good”, decide if this is your feelings being hurt or your intuition saying this isn’t the reality. If it is your intuition then you need to call your friend out on this and clear the air. If it is your feelings being hurt let your friend know, perhaps it can be reloved. It sounds to me like everyone has unresolved feelings and the communication has broken down. The other issue is one of the friendships, sometimes even if it is our best friend, people grow in different directions and they grow apart. Have you two gone in different directions? If so, it may be time to move on. Some friendships are not meant to be forever. I do strongly encourage you though to sit down and try and figure it out with you friend before you give up on the friendship.

Another issues you might want to explore, is that often when something FEELS this big, there is a life lesson involved. Can it be perhaps this lesson is about you speaking up? Or perhaps about letting go of relationships that aren’t working for you? Or maybe it’s something entirely different. See if you can figure out what they life lesson is. Once you do it is easier to deal with letting go of your painful feelings.

Good Luck,

Lori

Dear Lori,

I am the financial provider for my family; my wife stays home with our youngest child. My wife has recently decided after reading a bunch of self-help books that I need therapy, because I don’t communicate effectively. I have asked many of my friends and they say I communicate just fine. My wife has put me in “the dog house” until I go for help. I feel like an idiot going for help and telling a shrink I am here because my wife says I have a problem. I am actually getting a bit peeved at her but I don’t know how to get out of this mess. Any ideas?
Thanks,
Stuck

Dear Stuck,
Have you considered going for couple counseling as a compromise? It sounds as though your wife may be frustrated and perhaps going together you could figure out with a therapist what’s really going on. There are many indicators that there is more to this than merely communication. Most people are not that pushy in sending their spouse for help unless they feel the issue is important to the relationship. I feel if you want to get to the core of the matter both of you should go for at least a few sessions to see if it helps the situation.
Good Luck,
Lori