Dear Lori,

I have a 10 year old son, who can be a really great child. Then there are the other moments, when he is extremely disrespectful, has no boundaries and will not listen to anything I ask him to do. I believe that he should have consequences for this type of behaviour, my husband feels differently. He says it is just hormones and we need to let it go not make such a big deal about it. My husband then argues with me about the consequences I have given our son and my son then tells me he will not listen to the consequences, because his dad doesn’t think he needs any. I am so exhausted and frustrated by this situation. I want to know if you can help me figure a way to deal with my son and get my husband’s support.

Thank-you,

Exhausted Mom

Dear Exhausted Mom,

Your situation does sound exhausting and frustrating. I agree if you break the house rules there needs to be limits set. There a few things that I would like to suggest. The first and probably the most important is you and your husband need to agree on how to parent your son. Having different opinions is fine, but your must come to some agreement and stand united on your parenting. Right now your husband is undermining your parenting authority with your son, which is unhealthy for all of you. Perhaps a good place to begin is to have a conversation with your husband and see if you can find a common thread on parenting that you can build on. It it well proven, and you could look up articles on the subject, that a child need limits, in order to learn morality, right from wrong, and it also makes them feel loved and safe. Perhaps you can speak to your husband about this and then begin to negotiate some consequences. Your husband is also right that part of this is probably hormonal, so there are bound to be mood swings, and there are moments when you do need to let it go or ignore it. Pick your battles with your son. You do not want to become overbearing and constantly consequences him. Try working with your husband and then sit your son down and tell him about the “new” house rules and the consequences.

Good Luck,

Lori

Dear Lori,

I am STRESSED! I can’t take one more person telling me how stressed I am, and then suggesting I try to relax. I have tried, Yoga, meditation, relaxation breathing none of them are working for me. Do you know of anything else besides these “alternative” types of method to learn how to get myself under control?

Thanks

Stressed

Dear Stressed,

The methods you have tried work for a lot of people but to everyone. It sounds like you are caught in a circle of stress. What I mean by this , is when you have a stressful or negative thought, it typically begins a series of thoughts usually one builds on the next that leads you to have certain feelings including stress, anxiety and perhaps other feelings. These feeling in turn change a regular behaviour, as you react to the feeling you are having. A change in behaviour causes us to have more stressful thoughts, which leads to more feelings and on and on it goes! To stop this, the first thing you need to do is become aware of your stressful thoughts. Once you know you are having some try saying to yourself, stop or delete. Keep saying it until the thoughts diminish. Then take a moment and try to look at the situation a bit calmer and figure out what you can do to make the situation less stressful. Try to figure out what triggers your thoughts. Are you overwhelmed in certain areas of your life? Can you do anything about those areas? Have you every considered journaling your thoughts and feelings as a way of decompressing?

If you can’t think of ways to distress, then perhaps talk to a friend or a therapist for some objective input.

Good Luck,

Lori