You’re stuck in your own life drama.

YOU CAN ESCAPE!

You need to recognize what you don’t want.
Do you ever get a feeling in your gut of ‘I don’t want to do this’, or ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ or a feeling of being uncomfortable or even a feeling like you should resist but don’t know why? Pay attention to those feelings. Subconsciously those feelings are letting you know that something is about to go wrong in your life.

Choose a different path
Acknowledge your uncomfortable and uneasy feelings and choose a different path. You need to say ‘No’ to doing something you know deep down inside isn’t right for you.

Here’s an example:
You’re struggling in your business to be successful. Your business partner comes up with a new plan. You’re uncomfortable about the plan. To you it just doesn’t feel right. You don’t say anything because you don’t have any better ideas. You go along with the plan. When you get home, you complain to your friend/partner about the new plan. You realize the minute you begin to complain that the new plan won’t work for you.

Now:
Before you go back to your business partner and say ‘it won’t work’, take the time to quietly and thoughtfully figure out what is truly bothering you. Be specific at acknowledging what the issues are. It will help your business partner understand your reservations. It will also help you and your business partner target and fix the issues.

Use your imagination
Now that you understand why something isn’t right for you – relax. You need to let the information or situation percolate in your mind. Allow your imagination run wild. Give yourself permission to be imaginative. It can lead to great possibilities.

Come up with a creative solution
Yes you can! The next time you find yourself in a situation that isn’t working do three things:
• Take the time – a few days, even a week – to think about it
• Let your imagination take over – look at your situation from every angle, think ‘outside the box’, turn it upside down
• Write down your ideas even the ‘off the wall’ ones
Now how many ‘ideas’ did you come up with? You’ll be surprised at the number of creative solutions you can come up with doing a little ‘free thinking’.

You now have a more positive approach to take to get to a solution. Getting upset just sets the stage for drama. You may have a number of solutions that could all possibly work. Keep running the solutions through your mind – one will eventually stand out. You now have a new positive direction, a possible solution and other approaches you could take if need be.

You can get what you want
Your new direction is just the beginning. You now know how to spend the time to be clear and specific in what you want. Keep notes. Visualize your new direction – it will help you focus. Make a plan. Break it into achievable steps. You’ll see exactly what you need to do. Be specific. Detailing your solution and plan will make it easier for you to achieve exactly what you want.

Now – go get what you want!

Who are these people? They can’t all be singing Bobby McFerrin’s catchy but repetitive tune, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. But even if they aren’t singing, they are doing something differently.

You’ve likely experienced the winter blues – especially in February. You’ve also probably met someone who is cheerful throughout the winter. What are they doing differently? What’s their secret to staying positive?

Your state of mind is key.

You can benefit from knowing and applying ‘happy people’s’ methods. You can learn and then practice the steps to get you through the winter happily. Start by imagining that the short days will soon be over, it will soon be not as cold andValentine’s Day is not going to affect you at all.

Improve your state of mind.

Stay happy or happier this winter – use these methods:

Stay Active:
Your number one way to beat depression and the blues is to stay active. It’s easy to curl up and hibernate but this can, and often does, bring your mood down tremendously.

Get out and try some physical activity.
Is there a winter sport you would consider trying? What about investing in a piece of equipment such as a stationary bicycle? Not appealing? Then try some simpler solutions – climb the stairs at the office instead of taking the elevator or get off the bus early and walk the extra block. Physical activity helps because endorphins are released into your body. Endorphins make you feel better. They can prevent you from getting the winter blues. It doesn’t matter what kind of activity you do, just get moving if you want to feel better.

Accept Your Current Situation

Are you single? In a relationship but still feel alone? Winter can be challenging and sometimes the loneliness feels even greater. As soon as you start feeling down, you likely completely forget about the positives in your life.

Look at your situation from a different perspective.
Your current situation does have positives. Make a list of them. Put your list where you can see it daily. It will remind you of the positives in your life. For example, are you single? Dreading Valentine’s Day? Sure it can be a challenge if you are alone. But think of it this way, you’re free to do what you want when you want. You don’t have to compromise with a partner. You don’t have to buy over-priced flowers or break the bank on an expensive dinner out. People in relationships do, or feel they have to, even if it’s been a bad day at the office and they’re exhausted. You, on the other hand, don’t have to worry. You’re free from any expectations. From a different perspective, your situation is actually quite liberating and certainly less expensive.

Be Social
You’re not even good company for yourself if you have the winter blues. You may have a tendency to be more introverted and spend more time by yourself.

Give yourself a push to be social.
You have too much time to focus on the negative aspects of your life if all you do is go home every night. Get out. Join a club or a group, go for drinks. Call your friends. Call your relatives. Make plans for a once-a-week evening out. You may find your mood is quite uplifted. By interacting with people, your mind will be stimulated. You’ll feel much better at the end of an evening.

Being social feels awkward.
You may have to practice at being social. Feel like you have nothing to say? Write out a 30 second commercial on yourself, what you do, what you’re interested in. Practice so it’s conversational. Keep conversations going by asking what the other person does or ask about their interests. Create 5 questions you can ask someone when you meet them. Make sure the questions can’t just be answered by yes or no. Then if there’s a lull, you can get the conversation going again with a question. You may feel awkward at first, but before you know it your conversation skills will become more natural and engaging. Being social and sociable will be easy.

Banish the Blues by Being Good to Yourself!

Eat Healthy Food
Take good care of yourself. Evidence suggests that poor eating habits and lack of sleep are linked to the blues. Eat healthy foods. Find out if you need more Vitamin D. Your doctor can do a simple blood test to see if you need to be taking a supplement to give your body a boost. You get Vitamin D from sunlight. Too little sunlight, which is typical this time of the year, could be affecting you more than you think.

Get Enough Sleep
If you have an issue of getting to bed on time, try this: Make a commitment for 1 week to go to bed on time to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep. See how you feel at the end of the week. You will probably notice you have a lot more energy, and your thoughts will be clearer.

Indulge Yourself
Chocolate, pajamas for the day, a home spa treatment? Indulge yourself. You need to spoil yourself from time to time. You need time to decompress and feel a bit pampered. Don’t go outside your budget but relax for the day – you deserve it. Make sure you hang up the ‘no guilt allowed’ sign in your brain.

Be Grateful
Think of two or three things you are grateful for. Don’t just say the words. Really think about what your life would be without them. Now say what you are grateful for again. Your words will be more heart-felt and you will feel grateful. When you’re feeling down it’s difficult to be grateful. When you remind yourself of all that you do have, it helps switch your thoughts from what isn’t working to what is and to what is worth embracing.

Be realistic
You can’t change all of your habits and thoughts overnight. Pick one or two areas where you feel you can make improvements and start to turn your winter blues around. As Bobby McFerrin sings in Don’t Worry, Be Happy:

In your life expect some trouble
But when you worry
You make it double

Embrace your life, the winter, this month. Be kind to yourself – it will improve your state of mind and help to banish the blues.

How was your year?
• Did you achieve the goals you set for yourself?
• Did you not even make a dent in your goals?
• Did you feel defeated and deflated by world-wide natural and economic disasters?
• Do you feel like throwing your hands up and saying “Now what?”

You can start your year on a positive note.

Focus on what you did achieve last year and build on those achievements. You can even build on your partial success.

You lost some weight! You lost 4 pounds! Admittedly your goal was to lose 20 pounds but instead of beating yourself up for the 16 pounds you didn’t lose, use the fact that you actually did lose some weight as a step in the right direction. Your 4 pounds is a partial success – build on that.

Be Objective.

You need to be more objective about achieving your goals. Take a step back and ask yourself some questions, be honest.
• What can you do differently this year to get closer to your goals?
• What can you learn from last year’s experiences?
• What is the next step you need to take?
• Do you need more time? Are your time lines unrealistic?

Perhaps most importantly:
• What is really important in your life right now and do your goals fit into what is most important for you?
Write your answers down. Re-read them. Your perception about your goals and what is important will change. Once you change your perception you will find it easier to be inspired again.

Are your beliefs holding you back?

You can improve on the success you’ve achieved, you can analyze what went wrong BUT often it’s your beliefs – as subconscious as they are – that hold you back.

Do this experiment.
Visualize yourself achieving your goals. Work at it. Stay with it for as long as you can. Now, how do you feel? Do you feel energized? Do you feel you can achieve what you want? Then your beliefs are probably healthy.

If you feel anxious or nervous, then your beliefs are likely holding you back.

Awareness = the choice to change.

You now are aware that your beliefs may be holding you back. You now have the choice to make changes but first you need to find out why your beliefs are holding you back. Often it has to do with your self-esteem. You don’t feel worthy, or good enough.

You need to change your brain’s perception of you.

Here’s how:
• Say to yourself, or out loud “I LOVE MYSELF” every time you pass a mirror for the next 3 weeks.
• Make a list of all the qualities you like about yourself. Look at your list once a day.
You will likely start to feel more positive about yourself in a month’s time. If you don’t you may want to explore getting

some professional help

Believe in yourself and commit to achieving.

You can achieve your goals and your dreams. You need to believe in yourself and commit to achieving your goals. You can build a solid foundation to success.
• Break down your goals into achievable mini-goals.
• Celebrate each time you reach a mini-goal.
• Set aside time on a weekly basis and review your successes.
• Be realistic about your goals, reset them if they aren’t.

You can change your own world – one step at a time – even though you may not be able to change anything in the world around you. Achieve your goals by making that commitment. Remember – you are worth it. Now go and inspire yourself for 2012!

For more information on my services please see my website: http://www.drlorikay.com

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. …”
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

What anger are you storing?

Your anger can cause psychological, emotional and even physical issues for you. Holding onto anger does more damage to you than the person that caused it. You may have very legitimate reasons for being upset at a family member or friend, but forgiveness is extraordinarily freeing. As the year rapidly comes to a close and you head into a holiday season of good cheer, free yourself from your anger and forgive the people in your life.

You can Forgive.

When you truly want to forgive someone, you have to first understand where they are coming from. What is their perspective? What if you unknowingly said or did something that hurt their feelings? Put yourself in their shoes. It can be very liberating to understand, or at least speculate why someone did something mean or hurtful to you.

Be realistic about your expectations.

Do you demand unconditional love? Do you get upset when your partner can’t or won’t meet your expectations? Do you want people or your partner to adhere to your rules? You can’t demand unconditional love all the time. You can’t give unconditional love all the time. You can’t get upset, hurt or mad because your partner or those close to you don’t play by your rules. Your expectations are unrealistic. You have to understand that partners and people are not perfect. You have to be realistic about your expectations.

Choose to let go of your negative feelings.

Why do you continue to hold onto your hurt, pain or anger? What’s your benefit in keeping these feelings? Forgiving someone does not mean you must allow them to be part of your life. You can make the choice to forgive someone. You can also make the choice to not let them back into your life. You free yourself of negative feelings and you let go of someone who is unhealthy for you. You will feel healthier and free to move forward in your life without them.

Choosing to forgive and keep a person in your life is an option too. You must truly let go of your hurt, pain or anger. You may find writing your feelings down will help you forgive and move forward. You may need to speak to the person and tell them how you feel. Whatever your method, you must completely forgive them.

Forgiving Yourself.

Stop beating yourself up with guilt or shame. You can be upset with yourself but you have to accept what you’ve done in order to forgive yourself. You have the ability to learn from your actions by taking responsibility for them. You have to admit to yourself that you and you alone are responsible. If you use the other person’s actions or behavior as an excuse for your own behavior you are making excuses. Excuses will keep you locked in feelings of guilt, shame and anger.

Be compassionate with yourself.

If you are truly struggling with forgiving yourself try this: imagine your best friend did or said what you did. Would you find compassion for them? You would likely be supportive and advise them not to be so hard on themselves. Make peace with yourself about what you did or said, then own it. You will feel as if a heavy weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Forgiving is liberating.

You will feel liberated and uplifted by forgiving someone. Your forgiveness does not guarantee the other person will change. Reassess if they are a healthy person to have in your life.
Forgive when you are truly ready.

You must be absolutely sincere in your forgiveness. Forgive and set clear boundaries so you do not end up hurt or upset and having to explore the issues again.

Who do you need to forgive?

End your year letting go of all your hurt and negative feelings. Forgive those you need to – including yourself. Let go of your angry feelings for the uplifting, liberating and perhaps even peaceful sensation of forgiveness.

For more information on my services please see, http://www.drlorikay.com

How you see and take in information affects your life. Your version of a past situation with a sibling or friend may be quite different than theirs. Some differences may be small. Others can be quite large and present completely different details of the story.

Are your perceptions helping or hindering you?

Your Perceptions are influenced by Your Personality

Your personality determines how you interpret information. Were you a sensitive child? Did you take things to heart? Or were you a bit more self-centered and able to rebuff feelings? You view events and situations through your own unique personality filter that shapes your perception of the world.

Your Perceptions are influenced by Events in Your Life

How you perceive things can be greatly influenced by events in your life. Both good and bad events can influence how you view the world and how you make decisions.
Consider these two cases. Both of my clients had difficult childhoods and mothers who were diagnosed as suffering from Mental Illness.

The case of Client X:
• Client X’s mother had emotionally abandoned her at an early age.
• Client X grew up feeling unloved, helpless and alone.
• Client X developed a ‘victim’ type personality.
• Client X subsequently married partners that were neglectful, abusive and unsupportive.
• Client X believed she was unworthy and that her life couldn’t change.
• Client X realized she needed help when her perceptions started affecting her work.
Client X needed to realize that the perceptions she had about herself, her work and her relationships were greatly influenced by the relationship, or lack of relationship, that she’d had with her mother. Once she understood she could be loved and not feel helpless she quickly shed the victim role her perceptions had allowed her to take on and started to change her life for the better.

The Case of Client Y:
• Client Y’s mother spent her clear moments loving her and emphasizing an education.
• Client Y often took care of her mother through a difficult childhood and was often embarrassed by her mother’s behavior.
• Client Y developed a ‘warrior’ type personality.
• Client Y made sure life didn’t get the better of her by getting a good education and a well-respected job.
• Client Y often viewed people as passing judgment because of her mother.
• Client Y closed off people so she wouldn’t feel hurt and found intimacy issues difficult.

Client Y needed to realize that the perceptions she’d created about people passing judgment on her mother were perhaps unfounded. Once she could lower her guard and remove the wall of perceptions she’d created to protect her feelings, she was able to allow someone to enter her life.

You may not have had a difficult childhood. But you likely did have both good and bad experiences that will continue to shape your future. If you consistently end up with the same unsatisfying and possibly contentious results, it might be time for some self-reflection and a perception check. Shift your perceptions and you may very well be able to the shift the outcome of a situation to your advantage. Make sure your perceptions help, not hinder your endeavors.

For more information on my services please see http://www.drlorikay.com

Dear Dr. Lori,

A colleague of mine told me when you worked at the Board of Education you specialized in behavioural and ADHD children.  My son is 8years old in a private school and was bullied and humiliated. The boy who did this was told to write a letter of apology to my son. I am mortified that this has happened. I would take my son out of the school immediately but because this school has been able to have true success with working with my son who is extremely ADHD I feel there isn’t another school that will manage him. It took me 2 years to find this one! So my son is scared to go to school. I called the authorities, they said they could talk to the boy but because he was also 8 years old there was not much else they could do. The school does not have to follow the anti-bulling laws in the education act because it is a private school. I don’t know what to do. My husband went to the school and lost it on the principal who said we could take our son out of the school if we wished to. I am really hoping you will have some advice for me.

Mother in Toronto

Dear Mother in Toronto,

Yes I did work for a board of Education where I was a consultant for special education children. You are also correct that private schools are not obligated to follow the same Bills that are provided for public schools. My advice is to change schools. This is not to have your son run away from the problem. This is because the schools response was not in line with keeping your son from being bullied by the same child again. Often private schools feel they have the upper hand because you chose them as your school, therefore you obviously will stay. You need to take your power back and let them know you will not tolerate this. In the end, this has to be about what is best for your son. I understand the program they have is great, I also know there are some other good program for ADHD children in Toronto. Do look into other options. As well if your son is scared to go to school and he already has a hard time focusing because of the ADHD then being scared will make focusing an even greater challenge. Children deserve and have a right to feel safe at school, and right now your son does not feel safe- so find a place that will accommodate his needs.

As well, your son might benefit from some therapy. Perhaps play or art therapy if he is emotionally young or talk therapy if that would better suit his personality. I do think having him talk to someone will help him overcome this trauma that occurred. As well it is important to validate your son’s feeling that does not mean giving in to them and encouraging him to feel scared. It means telling him it is ok to have the feelings he is having and as his parents you are going to do whatever you need to make it better for him. If he feels you are supporting him this might help him begin to feel more secure again.

Let me know how he is doing.

Dr. Lori

Dear Dr. Lori,

My 14 year old daughter has been sexually harassed and bullied at school. Even though charges were pressed, other kids still make fun of her and call her names. Last week she told me she wanted to kill herself. She is seeing a psychiatrist who now says we should place her in a facility for suicidal watch. This doctor has been working with her for 6 months. My daughter is now angry at me for having her temporarily committed and says she will never trust me again. Of course I know this will pass, but I am so worried about my daughter. I have suggested she changes schools but she says it doesn’t matter where she goes, she will always be known as the girl who was bullied and harassed. Unless I can find a job in another state and move I don’t know what else to do to help her. She use to dance and was quite good at it now she will not go out of the house except to go to school and some days not even that. Please offer me some new solutions- I am beginning to feel hopeless myself.

Desperate Mother in Mississippi

Dear desperate Mother in Mississippi,

Moving is an extreme answer. My experience dealing with teenagers who are bullied, even when parents move their kids to another school or relocate for a fresh start, the teenager typically does not seem to get that fresh start. Part of the reason is they still have the emotional scars and the mentality that they have been traumatized. In the education system right now they are trying their best to resolve this problem. In my opinion we as a society are partly to blame. We have our kids growing up playing games where you hurt and kill people and these hurt or dead people come back to life. Now our children know this isn’t true, but there is a certain amount of desensitization that occurs. This in turn makes bullying someone so much easier, as these bullies are often desensitized to what they are doing. This is either because of the games and the way their mind perceives the information or just as likely they have been bullied by someone else. In either case your daughter from the sound of it is getting her fair share of harassment at school.

Without more details of what is actually going on at the school it is hard to tell you what to do next. I think it might be wise to look at a fresh start for her and the end of the semester, as long as your daughter can see this as a positive move. This alone will not do it. I do not know what her doctor is doing with her therapeutically to assist her in getting over this trauma. You might want to ask him some questions. I realize there is client confidentiality involved, but you can ask him what his long term goals are with your daughter, ask specific questions such as how is he planning on getting her out of the victim mentality? What happened to your daughter was serious; getting her over this trauma will take time. Just make sure she is seeing the right doctor. Try asking her how she feels about the therapy. Ask her is it is helping? I just completed an adolescent girls group where we met on the internet, I had girls from different part of United States and Canada connect one a week for 2 months. They had either been bullied or sexually harassed they felt it was so beneficial to have support from each other to know they were not the only ones. You might want to explore group therapy for your daughter.

Lastly, your daughter need to see you as strong, so be strong for her and let her know you are there for her and no matter what she tells you, you will, listen and not judge her for it. As parents one often assumes their children know how much they are loved and available for the, In times of crisis verbalizing it can help your daughter to open up to you so that you can support her thought this terrible time.

Please let me know how she is doing,

Dr. Lori

Dear Dr. Lori,
Our son was bullied at school he is 12 years old when the incident happened. He is not 13 and we have our hands full with him. He often is irritated and we know some of it is “hormones” but as parents you know when your child isn’t all right, and ours is not. The school had the bully transferred to another school and we pressed charges. My son says it doesn’t make a difference; he is still the kid who was bullied. How can we help him? We would appreciate any suggestions you have the school has offered solutions but no of them seem to work.

Thanks,
Kevin and Sue

Dear Kevin and Sue,
It sounds like you son is reacting to being bullied and it is probably not just his hormones. Hormones may be assisting in some of his overreactions but the point is your son needs some help to cope with the trauma that happened to him. I do not know what they school suggested since you did not include that in your letter. I would like to offer you my suggestions.

Ask him why he says it makes no difference that he is still known as the kid who was bullied? Here is what you need to listen for: is he being teased or bullied by other kids now? He may not want to tell you because he may think it will just make the situation worse at school. You need to find a way to reassure him that what he tells you can only help him. As well, he needs to speak to a professional about this. Try to find someone who your son feels comfortable with, it may not be the first person you take him to. It is important that your son feels comfortable in order to open up to someone. It is often easier to tell a therapist what is going on; because they are not part of your everyday life therefore they do not have an emotional attachment to the situation. When I deal with children and teenagers primarily in North America my philosophy is to let them tell what happened, work on getting them over the trauma and then the most important piece is to have them lose their victim mentality. I often talk to teenagers and children on internet that do not live in the same city as me. Allowing these children and teenagers to realize they do not have to be victims for the rest of their lives often allows them to go on and have healthy, loving and enriched lives. So I suggest you speak to your son. He will probably be resistant to therapy but if you can reach him and get him to understand he might feel better talking to someone or perhaps art therapy if he isn’t a big talker then I believe you can turn this around for you son.

Let me know how thing turns out, and if I can be of any further assisitance
Dr. Lori

I have a “colleague” who I feel is abusing me good nature. I was new to where I live and this person helped me get my business up and running. I have since done ok on my own. This person let’s call him Richard, is always asking for favours and free stuff from me. He always reminds me how he helped me get my business going and how happy he is that I am doing well. For a long time I felt indebted to this person but now Richard expects to come in my store almost weekly and take whatever he needs without paying. He always reminds me how he helped me out and says times are tough for him right now and leaves without ever paying! Yesterday he came in and took over $200 worth of merchandise and did not pay a cent. When is enough, enough? He is a powerful man is the town I am in and I don’t want to alienate him, I would just like him to pay for the things he wants to buy. Any ideas on how I can deal with this?
Sincerely,
Desperate in a small town

Dear Desperate,
You are in a bit of a bind. Not because of what he is doing, but because of how you perceive the situation. You still at some level must feel that you “owe him” for helping you get your business going. In a small town it is often a question of acceptance. Are there other people in the town that you know who are paying customers who will stand by you? I think you need to thank him for his help and then tell him you feel you have been generous in payment with merchandise but you have to make a living too. The key is to realize that you are not indebted to him anymore. One solution is; try to think of as many things as you can that he has taken from your store without paying you. Total them up and have a bill ready for when you talk to him. Some people need to see things in black and white to be aware of the situation. Then tell him you feel you have repaid him. If he argues, ask him what a fair price would be in order to repay him for his kindness. See what number he comes up with if any. My guess is he will not want to put a number on it because you and your store are free to him right now why would he ruin that? So push him a bit and try to settle on a price. Then every time he comes in add it to the tally until you are finished paying. If this approach doesn’t work for you, try talking to him and see if you can come to an understanding where Richard realizes the gravy train is over. I suggest you start with working on getting rid of any feeling you have that you still owe him something. Then talk to him!

I wish you well,
Dr. Lori

Your saboteur can be preventing you from achieving everything you want.

Recognize your own saboteur.

Do any of these sound familiar?

I can’t make a decision. I’m not sure.
Do you want to do something different? But you’re not sure? Are you unable to make a clear decision? What if you had to decide whether to take on more responsibility at work, or were offered a new job? Both choices involve change and a degree of uncertainty. You can’t decide which choice is best for you. Part of you wants to move forward. But you and your career are being sabotaged by the little voice in your head that doesn’t believe you are capable.

Solution:
You have to ask yourself – ‘How important is this decision?’ If it’s really important, then write down all the reasons for moving forward. Now, write down all the reasons that are holding you back. Is fear holding you back? Fear of unknown aspects about a new job? Fear of not living up to your potential? Are they realistic fears? Chances are many will not be. If you do have real fears, see how you can deal with them. Talk to someone about your fears – a friend, or partner – someone you can trust. Once you conquer your fears, your decision will be crystal clear.

I have to look good, regardless of the cost.
This isn’t about whether your wardrobe is from Holt Renfrew. This is about how you want people to perceive you. Your outward appearance may be a factor, but it’s not the entire story. If you need people to always see you as “the good guy or girl” – it could be costing you. You need to stand up for yourself. You also need to make clear what your boundaries are. You can’t worry about how people perceive you. You will find it’s almost impossible to assert your boundaries and beliefs. You may find yourself agreeing with a point of view you don’t even believe in. Assert your boundaries and beliefs or your saboteur will get the best of you.

Solution:
You can’t be liked by all the people, all the time – even if you are really nice. You may be compromising your own values in your attempt to be liked by everyone. You can still be ‘nice’ or ‘the good guy/girl’ if you don’t agree with someone. Be consciously aware of what you are doing. You may realize it’s not worth comprising. If you need to be liked by everyone, your self-esteem may be suffering. Get a self-help book on increasing your self-esteem. Talk to a professional. Once you feel good about yourself and your own values, you’ll find yourself worrying less and less about being liked by everyone

Justifying your actions by Storytelling.
“I had a really stressful day. I deserve a double-scoop of ice cream.” Really? When was the last time you did something and then spent the time internally justifying it? You might even be unaware that you’re doing it. A classic example comes from people who over eat. Have you ever gone on a binge and overeaten? Think back. What story did you make up? It likely involved the justification saboteur on your behavior.

Solution:
When you know you are telling yourself a ‘story’ think about how you justify your behavior. Once you are aware of it, it will be easier to overcome. When you start to hear the ‘Once upon a justification story’ going on in your mind, stop it. Tell your brain to close the book and move on. Your saboteur stories will become less and less frequent.

I must be perfect
Are you overwhelmed by perfection? Do you need to do everything right? Make the smallest mistake and your saboteur is off and running in your mind telling you how you failed. You are not perfect, no-one is. Constantly striving to be your best is healthy. Constantly striving to be perfect is an unrealistic saboteur.

Solution:
Squash that perfect saboteur with a positive mantra. ”I am good enough.” “I love and accept myself.” You will start to think in a new way. You didn’t decide to become a perfectionist overnight. Getting rid of your negative thoughts and your saboteur may take some time. Be diligent. Say your mantra in your head or out loud, whatever works for you.

Boot your saboteur!

Recognize when and how your saboteur or saboteurs are filling your head with doubts, fears and uncertainty. Realize that your saboteurs can be dealt with. Try the above solutions. They will make a difference. If these solutions do not work for you, you may want to consult a professional and explore the deeper issues associated with your saboteur.

For more information on Dr. Lori Kay, her classes and services please visit: http://www.drlorikay.com